Session 7
Staying with a hard moment
A hostile question or a dismissive reply can bring a strong urge to hit back or shut down. Remembering that feelings change gives us room to choose our next step, and to ask for support, without making things worse.
The card
5 minBefriending the wobble, about 4 minutes, in its adult wording.
Take a quiet moment to notice whether there is a wobble somewhere in your body, perhaps nerves about something coming up in your work.
Instead of pushing the feeling away, see whether you can turn towards it with a little curiosity and notice what it may be telling you.
Ask yourself privately whether the feeling is connected to something you care about, and let the answer be "I don't know" if that is true.
You do not need to fix the feeling before we begin, and you can bring your attention back to the room whenever you choose.
Anyone can pass, and quiet is taking part.
A short talk
10 minA hostile question or a dismissive reply can bring a strong urge to hit back or shut down. Remembering that feelings change gives us room to choose our next step, and to ask for support, without making things worse.
Talk notes
- In dialectical behaviour therapy, distress tolerance means getting through a painful moment without making it worse, especially when the cause cannot be fixed straight away.Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd edition). New York: Guilford Press. Publisher page
- Feelings change over time. In a diary study, some emotions passed within minutes or hours while others, such as sadness, lasted longer, especially when people kept turning the event over.Verduyn, P., and Lavrijsen, S. (2015). Which emotions last longest and why: The role of event importance and rumination. Motivation and Emotion, 39(1), 119 to 127. doi:10.1007/s11031-014-9445-y
- This session is about getting through the next hour. If a feeling does not shift, or keeps returning, that is a reason to reach for more support, and nobody should carry it alone.
Discussion
10 minQuestions in pairs or small groups. Anyone can pass.
- What helps a strong feeling pass without making things worse?
- Who do we turn to after a hostile moment, and who turns to us?
The activity
30 minOnline
In breakouts of three, take the fictional hard moment below and sketch, in a shared document, how the feeling might change over the next hour. At the hardest point, add one thing to do alone, one person to turn to and one way to step away. Mark any reaction that could make things worse, such as a fast reply online, and rework it without judging the impulse.
In a room
In small groups on a large sheet: the hour as a line, the peak marked, three ways through it.
The fictional case. Choose the one closest to your group:
- A hostile question after a talk.
- A dismissive reply from a decision-maker, copied to your whole team.
- Abuse in the comments under a post about your work.
- A colleague says, in front of others, that your work is naive.
Private reflection
10 minTry it this week. After your next hard exchange, note how the feeling changes over the following hour and what helped. Hold any written reply until the peak has passed.
Before you try it, the field log asks:
- What matters most to me in this conversation?
- What am I assuming about them?
- What will I do when I notice the first sign of stress?
Quiet time. Nobody shares what they write.
Closing
5 minOne word for the road, about 4 minutes, in its adult wording.
Before we close, I will invite each person to offer one word for how they are leaving. Any honest word is welcome, including "tired".
We will receive each word without asking for an explanation or responding to it, with a little silence between people.
You can say your word, type it in the chat, say "pass" or stay quiet, and I will move on.
I will go first, and then we will go round.
Anyone can pass, and quiet is taking part.
For your peer circle. What helped you stay with a hard moment this week, and when did you need more than that?
Five to spare
5 minBecause sessions run over, and that is fine.
Practices to try at home.
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