Ten sessions for advocates, Session 8
In a heated exchange, the next reaction can feel immediate. A short pause and support we have planned ahead give us more say in what happens next.
75 minutes: The card 5, A short talk 10, Discussion 10, The activity 30, Private reflection 10, Closing 5, Five to spare 5.
Nothing here asks anyone to share something painful or to look well. Taking part silently is taking part, and passing is always allowed.
Pausing on a hard moment can bring it closer. Anyone can keep their eyes open, skip a step or simply listen, and nobody is asked what came up.
Anger, fear and exhaustion are normal in this work, and so is grief for a future we hoped for. These sessions are no substitute for therapy. If these feelings weigh on you, you do not have to carry them alone: turn to someone you trust, such as a friend, a colleague, a doctor or a counsellor. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services.
If someone is struggling, follow the care route your group agreed in its first session. This is not yours to carry alone.
The full stop, in its adult wording
Busy weeks can make everything feel faster, so we will practise a short pause called STOPP that you can use wherever you are.
S means stop where you are. T means take one comfortable breath, with an unhurried out-breath.
O means observe what is moving through your mind. You might name it quietly as planning, worrying or replaying.
The first P means pull back: picture the moment from another place or time, and notice whether your view of it changes. If that makes things feel unreal, skip it and look at what is in the room.
The last P means proceed, choosing what to do next. You can use it in a meeting, before replying to a message or anywhere you need a little room.
Anyone can pass, and quiet is taking part.
Watch for anyone who goes very still, tearful or far away. Do not single them out. Offer a break, or speak to them quietly afterwards.
In a heated exchange, the next reaction can feel immediate. A short pause and support we have planned ahead give us more say in what happens next.
Deciding in advance what we will do when a particular moment comes ("if this happens, then I will...") makes the plan more likely to happen. (Gollwitzer, P. M. (1999). Implementation intentions: Strong effects of simple plans. American Psychologist, 54(7), 493 to 503.)
Burnout research describes exhaustion as a response to working conditions, such as workload, lack of control and unfairness, as well as to anything personal. So the menu has a column for what the setting could change. (Maslach, C., and Leiter, M. P. (2016). Understanding the burnout experience: Recent research and its implications for psychiatry. World Psychiatry, 15(2), 103 to 111.)
STOPP is a short pause routine from cognitive behavioural self-help materials. It is a way to make room before replying, and it will not suit every moment.
What helps you pause before you answer in a heated moment?
What could a setting change so that fewer exchanges get this heated?
Questions in pairs or small groups. Anyone can pass.
Online. Walk through STOPP together on the fictional heated exchange below, with the steps on screen. Then build a shared menu on a whiteboard in three columns: what we can do alone, who can help and what the setting could change. Keep the board open so the group can add to it between sessions.
In a room. The same on a flip chart, photographed at the end so the group keeps the menu.
The fictional case. Choose one that is not happening in your group right now. If any of these is too close to home, swap it or make up a lighter one.
A fictional case: A heated exchange in a public consultation.
A fictional case: A tense call with a manager about a project you lead.
A fictional case: An argument in a group chat that spills into a meeting.
A fictional case: A shouted exchange at a stall or a doorstep.
Try it this week. Use STOPP once this week, in a meeting or before answering a message that stings. Afterwards, add one thing to the group's menu.
Quiet time. Nobody shares what they write.
Before you try it, the field log asks:
What matters most to me in this conversation?
What am I assuming about them?
What will I do when I notice the first sign of stress?
One quiet thank-you, in its adult wording
Before we close, think of someone in this group, or in your week, whose presence helped you, perhaps through something they did or simply by being there.
You do not need to say who. You might thank them later, or keep the appreciation to yourself.
If nobody comes to mind today, let the question stay open without forcing an answer.
For your peer circle. What support would make this work easier to sustain, and who could help put it in place?
Anyone can pass, and quiet is taking part.
Watch for anyone who goes very still, tearful or far away. Do not single them out. Offer a break, or speak to them quietly afterwards.
Because sessions run over, and that is fine.
Practices to try at home: Three Before You Answer, Hand Over the No.
https://rfweducators.netlify.app/advocates/session-8/
Recipes for Wellbeing. Free to use and adapt under CC BY-NC 4.0.