Ten sessions for advocates, Session 7
A hostile question or a dismissive reply can bring a strong urge to hit back or shut down. Remembering that feelings change gives us room to choose our next step, and to ask for support, without making things worse.
75 minutes: The card 5, A short talk 10, Discussion 10, The activity 30, Private reflection 10, Closing 5, Five to spare 5.
Nothing here asks anyone to share something painful or to look well. Taking part silently is taking part, and passing is always allowed.
Attention on the body can bring up more than people expect. Everyone can keep their eyes open, look at something in the room or simply wait, and nobody is asked what they noticed.
Anger, fear and exhaustion are normal in this work, and so is grief for a future we hoped for. These sessions are no substitute for therapy. If these feelings weigh on you, you do not have to carry them alone: turn to someone you trust, such as a friend, a colleague, a doctor or a counsellor. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services.
If someone is struggling, follow the care route your group agreed in its first session. This is not yours to carry alone.
Befriending the wobble, in its adult wording
Take a quiet moment to notice whether there is a wobble somewhere in your body, perhaps nerves about something coming up in your work.
Instead of pushing the feeling away, see whether you can turn towards it with a little curiosity and notice what it may be telling you.
Ask yourself privately whether the feeling is connected to something you care about, and let the answer be "I don't know" if that is true.
You do not need to fix the feeling before we begin, and you can bring your attention back to the room whenever you choose.
Anyone can pass, and quiet is taking part.
Watch for anyone who goes very still, tearful or far away. Do not single them out. Offer a break, or speak to them quietly afterwards.
A hostile question or a dismissive reply can bring a strong urge to hit back or shut down. Remembering that feelings change gives us room to choose our next step, and to ask for support, without making things worse.
In dialectical behaviour therapy, distress tolerance means getting through a painful moment without making it worse, especially when the cause cannot be fixed straight away. These sessions borrow an idea from that therapy. They do not teach it. (Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd edition). New York: Guilford Press.)
Feelings change over time. In a diary study, some emotions passed within minutes or hours while others, such as sadness, lasted longer, especially when people kept turning the event over. (Verduyn, P., and Lavrijsen, S. (2015). Which emotions last longest and why: The role of event importance and rumination. Motivation and Emotion, 39(1), 119 to 127.)
This session is about getting through the next hour. If a feeling does not shift, or keeps returning, that is a reason to reach for more support, and nobody should carry it alone.
What helps a strong feeling pass without making things worse?
Who do we turn to after a hostile moment, and who turns to us?
Questions in pairs or small groups. Anyone can pass.
Online. In breakouts of three, take the fictional hard moment below and sketch, in a shared document, how the feeling might change over the next hour. At the hardest point, add one thing to do alone, one person to turn to and one way to step away. Mark any reaction that could make things worse, such as a fast reply online, and rework it without judging the impulse.
In a room. In small groups on a large sheet: the hour as a line, the peak marked, three ways through it.
The fictional case. Choose one that is not happening in your group right now. If any of these is too close to home, swap it or make up a lighter one.
A fictional case: A hostile question after a talk.
A fictional case: A dismissive reply from a decision-maker, copied to your whole team.
A fictional case: Abuse in the comments under a post about your work.
A fictional case: A colleague says, in front of others, that your work is naive.
Skip “Abuse in the comments” if anyone in the group has had online abuse or threats.
Try it this week. After your next hard exchange, note how the feeling changes over the following hour and what helped. Hold any written reply until the peak has passed.
Quiet time. Nobody shares what they write.
Before you try it, the field log asks:
What matters most to me in this conversation?
What am I assuming about them?
What will I do when I notice the first sign of stress?
One word for the road, in its adult wording
Before we close, I will invite each person to offer one word for how they are leaving. Any honest word is welcome, including "tired".
We will receive each word without asking for an explanation or responding to it, with a little silence between people.
You can say your word, type it in the chat, say "pass" or stay quiet, and I will move on.
I will go first. Then anyone who wants to can add a word, in any order, or type it in the chat.
For your peer circle. What helped you stay with a hard moment this week, and when did you need more than that?
Anyone can pass, and quiet is taking part.
Watch for anyone who goes very still, tearful or far away. Do not single them out. Offer a break, or speak to them quietly afterwards.
Because sessions run over, and that is fine.
Practices to try at home: One Rhythm You Can Steer, Hand Some of It Over.
https://rfweducators.netlify.app/advocates/session-7/
Recipes for Wellbeing. Free to use and adapt under CC BY-NC 4.0.