Ten sessions for advocates, Session 6
Tense meetings tend to favour the quickest and loudest people. Small hosting moves, such as an open question or a short silence, can make room for everyone else.
75 minutes: The card 5, A short talk 10, Discussion 10, The activity 30, Private reflection 10, Closing 5, Five to spare 5.
Nothing here asks anyone to share something painful or to look well. Taking part silently is taking part, and passing is always allowed.
Wishing someone well can bring up loss or conflict. Anyone can rest on their breath instead, and nobody is asked who they chose.
Anger, fear and exhaustion are normal in this work, and so is grief for a future we hoped for. These sessions are no substitute for therapy. If these feelings weigh on you, you do not have to carry them alone: turn to someone you trust, such as a friend, a colleague, a doctor or a counsellor. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services.
If someone is struggling, follow the care route your group agreed in its first session. This is not yours to carry alone.
Three quiet wishes, in its adult wording
Rest your hands wherever is comfortable and take a moment to arrive.
Begin with a quiet wish for yourself, in words that feel natural to you, such as "May today feel a little easier."
Offer the same wish silently to someone you care about and find easy to wish well. Leave aside anyone you are in conflict with or have lost. Nobody is asked who you chose.
Finally, extend a kind wish to this whole group, including the people you do not know well yet.
If a wish feels false or brings up sadness, rest on your breath, or wish for something plain, such as “May this meeting go well.”
Anyone can pass, and quiet is taking part.
Watch for anyone who goes very still, tearful or far away. Do not single them out. Offer a break, or speak to them quietly afterwards.
Tense meetings tend to favour the quickest and loudest people. Small hosting moves, such as an open question or a short silence, can make room for everyone else.
Woolley and colleagues found that groups where people took more equal turns in conversation tended to do better across a range of short lab tasks than groups dominated by a few voices. (Woolley, A. W., Chabris, C. F., Pentland, A., Hashmi, N., and Malone, T. W. (2010). Evidence for a collective intelligence factor in the performance of human groups. Science, 330(6004), 686 to 688.)
Edmondson found that teams whose members felt safe to speak up and take small risks with each other learned more from their mistakes. (Edmondson, A. (1999). Psychological safety and learning behavior in work teams. Administrative Science Quarterly, 44(2), 350 to 383.)
Hosting moves such as a pause before deciding, or asking who has not spoken, are small ways to share airtime. Who holds power in the room still shapes who speaks.
Whose voices tend to go missing in the meetings you know?
What small move from a host has made room for you?
Questions in pairs or small groups. Anyone can pass.
Online. In breakouts of four or five, decide something with real trade-offs, using the fictional case below. Each person has a speaking budget of three turns, which they track themselves. A host asks open questions, holds short silences and checks whose view is missing. Back in the main room, talk about power, airtime and whose ideas got the credit. Talk about the pattern, and leave any person in the room out of it.
In a room. Groups of four or five at a table, with three tokens each to spend on speaking. Talk about the pattern, and leave any person in the room out of it.
The fictional case. Choose one that is not happening in your group right now. If any of these is too close to home, swap it or make up a lighter one.
A fictional case: How a small community group spends a modest grant.
A fictional case: Which of three campaigns a coalition puts first this year.
A fictional case: How a clinic team shares out a rota no one likes.
A fictional case: Whether a youth club spends its budget on trips or on staff.
Try it this week. In your next meeting, try one hosting move, such as a pause before deciding or asking who has not spoken yet. Notice who comes in.
Quiet time. Nobody shares what they write.
Before you try it, the field log asks:
What matters most to me in this conversation?
What am I assuming about them?
What will I do when I notice the first sign of stress?
Giving and receiving, in its adult wording
Before we close, we will practise offering an appreciation and receiving one without brushing it away.
Think of something small and genuine you appreciate about your partner, from something they did in this session. You can pass if the pairing does not feel comfortable.
Offer it in one sentence, or use "Thank you for being part of this session with me" if you need a starting point.
When you receive one, say "thank you" and let the words land before you swap roles.
Notice privately whether giving or receiving felt less familiar.
For your peer circle. Who came into the conversation when you made room, and what did they bring?
Anyone can pass, and quiet is taking part.
Watch for anyone who goes very still, tearful or far away. Do not single them out. Offer a break, or speak to them quietly afterwards.
Because sessions run over, and that is fine.
Practices to try at home: The Silence You Don't Fill, Where Silence Is Cheaper.
https://rfweducators.netlify.app/advocates/session-6/
Recipes for Wellbeing. Free to use and adapt under CC BY-NC 4.0.